All marriages have conflict from time to time. Sometimes the conflicts can turn a relationship into negative cycles that are difficult to break. Without warning, you and your partner are in conflict again and becomes a argument. It seems to come out of nowhere, you notice the typical pattern. Your partner’s voice gets louder and you can feel yourself getting overwhelmed. You start to retreat. Your partner starts to yell. You’re off to the races.
Breakdown In Communication
Couples stuck in cycles often blame it on their lack of communication skills or conflict resolution skills. Yet research shows that communication tools are not what they need. Outside of arguments, couples communicate just fine. They likely communicate well at their job, in their friendships, and they communicate well with one another when they’re not caught in an argument. We can all use some fine tuning in our communication, but the truth is, communication isn’t the true cause to your arguments.
In struggling relationships, the breakdown of communication is rooted in a deeper pattern of disconnection. A disconnection that blocks our core emotional needs from being known. The struggle is to understand what these emotional needs are, let alone struggling to know how to communicate them. It’s a scary and vulnerable place to open the heart first to our partners. Then to add to our fear the messages throughout life saying it’s weak to need someone, to show vulnerability and to emotionally depend on others. We fear we’ll only be let down, dismissed, and rejected.
Rather than learn cognitive-behavioral skills of how to talk or listen, what distressed couples need most is a guide into their own heart and the heart of their partner. This is why emotionally focused therapy is so powerfully effective in transforming relationships into secure havens for long lasting deeper connection.
All our counselors have received training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) with a goal to help couples grow closer by helping them understand their fight cycle—the emotions and wounds that keep them stuck and disconnected. Your therapist will help you and your partner make sense of the way you argue, unravel and foster a new way of relating, heal hurts and create a safe haven.
Our goal for couples includes helping each partner become more aware of the emotions driving the negative cycle and to de-escalate the cycle so both feel safe to better communicate their needs. Couples counseling should never identify one partner or spouse as “the problem” or “the one that needs to be fixed.” Instead, the negative cycle of conflict is the problem to be addressed and changed.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
The objective of our marriage counseling program is for both partners to learn to better manage their emotions and develop more loving interactions. More important is for both to learn how to speak in kinder and more vulnerable ways. As a result couples learn to create stronger emotional attachments. Then they are in a much better place to solve old problems and face future challenges in a mutually supportive way.
No matter how bad your marriage and relationship may seem, we are convinced that with work and direction, you can save it. Even a marriage that is about to hit bottom can be revived with the right guidance. Frustratingly, we find that many couples have received unhelpful or ineffective marriage counseling. Well-meaning therapists provide advice about negotiating conflict and encourage the focus to be on improving their communication.
Your therapist will help you and your partner de-escalate the negative loop you both get caught into and then to create more safety and space for you both to share the deeper parts of your inner world.
The goal is helping couples to trust each other more, be more open to one another, taking risks to reach for each other with their deeper needs—create that safety between them. The key questions that most partners need answered are, “Can I count on you being there when I need you?” and “Are you safe for me to show you my vulnerable self and needs?”
Begin Marriage Counseling Today
The ultimate objective of my marriage counseling program is for both partners to learn to better manage their emotions and develop more loving interactions. More important is for both to learn how to speak in kinder and more vulnerable ways. As a result couples learn to create stronger emotional attachments. Then they are in a much better place to solve old problems and face future challenges in a mutually supportive way.
Call our center today to setup an initial marriage counseling session. Your therapist will provide a road map of couples therapy to turn your relationship into the happier, safer, deeper, and more connection direction.