Emotional Responsiveness In Marriages
In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, there are seven conversations with a goal of encouraging “a special kind of emotional responsiveness” that strengthens a couples’ love. Couples in distress are not experiencing these three aspects of emotional connection.
The emotional response contains three main parts: A.R.E. (Accessibility, Responsiveness, & Engagement):
1) Accessibility: “Can I reach you?”
Accessibility requires the partners to remain open to each other even during moments of doubt, distress, or feeling insecure. I often ask clients to stay present with emotions rather than flee from them. Sitting in emotions allows a partner to struggle to make sense of the emotions and stay calm so he or she can stay tuned into their partner’s attachment needs.
2) Responsiveness: “Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?”
It is vitally important to tune into your partner’s emotions and respond in such a way to affirm his or her emotions. Your spouse wants to see that his or her attachment needs and fears have an impact. In other words, that the partner cares deeply about his or her experience. Responsiveness means “accepting and placing a priority on the emotional signals your partner conveys and sending clear signals of comfort and caring when your partner needs them.” A partner’s sensitive responsiveness has a positive affect and provides safety for the partner to take greater risks.
3) Engagement: “Do I know you will value me and stay close?”
Your spouse is the most important person in your life and emotional engagement means “the very special kind of attention that we give only to a love one.” Examples of this very special kind of attention can be gazing into her eyes, providing a loving touch as you communicate, and giving her your undivided attention when together on a date.
Emotional Response Acronym: A.R.E.
All three can be remembered in the acronym A.R.E with the questions “Are you there for me, are you with me?” “Can I count on you to be there when I need you?” It is important that both spouses experience a special closeness, vulnerability, and loyalty above others. Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement keep couples from falling into the emotional starvation and distance that negatively affects many marriages.