Should I or Shouldn’t I Share?
Most partners of sex addicts first learn about an addict’s sexual behaviors by accident—a coworker of the sex addict tells her that her spouse is having an affair, she accidentally discovers emails on his phone to prostitutes or acting out partners, or she finds pornography on the home computer. (more…)
Sexual Addiction Recovery
Recovering from sexual addiction takes work and a determination to lean into the pain rather than returning to the addiction. Addiction is about numbing, medicating, avoiding, escaping, and denying reality at all cost. Therefore, recovery is about facing and experiencing reality at all cost. No matter the pain involved! You must work a Sexual Addiction Recovery Plan. (more…)
Porn Rewires The Brain
Often I am asked, “What’s the big deal with viewing porn? Everyone does it.” I answer this question by communicating how viewing pornography rewires the brain.
To begin, we must understand how our brains to learn quickly through repetition. Watch a infant begin to walk and you will see how his/her brain learns through repeated attempts, failure, learning, and eventually success. (more…)
Rigid/Disengaged Family System
When I work with men that struggle with sexual addiction, one of the first things we will do is look at his family-of-origin. Often, I find a family system characterized as rigid and disengaged.
A leading researcher in the field of sexual addiction, Dr. Patrick Carnes, found that 77% of men and women who report as struggling with sexual addiction were raised in a rigid family and 87% report coming from a disengaged or disconnected family. (more…)
When a client comes in to see me with a sex addiction problem, I often take an extensive family and sexual history. I will curiously ask questions about his parent’s relationship, relationship questions about siblings, how each family member connected and who did he turn to the most for help.(more…)
Empathy = Less Anger
“The opposite of anger is not calmness, its empathy.” – Mehmet OzA major part of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples is to help each partner practice empathy. To practice empathy is the ability to “walk in the other person’s shoes.” In other words, empathy is knowing what the other person is experiencing, feeling, and compassionately responding to another person’s distress.(more…)
Sex Addiction & Attachment
I believe that sex addiction counselors need to (re)think about addiction differently than we have in the past. Human beings have been created to possess an inborn need to bond and connect with others. When we are feeling safe, happy and healthy, we will bond with the people around us.
When we don’t feel safe, loved, seen, or soothed; we will turn to something or someone that will give us relief from the pain of loneliness. Relief could be as simple as endlessly checking our smart phones or it might be pornography, video games, social media, gambling, or drugs. We will bond with something because that is our human nature. (more…)