The sex addict third core belief is “My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend upon others.” A reminder of the first two core beliefs: 1) I am a bad and unworthy person; and 2) No one will love me as I am. The first two core beliefs focus upon self-acceptance, while the third belief deals with intimacy (into-me-you-see). The spouse of the sex addict needs help too to trust again. (more…)
When I work with men that struggle with sexual addiction, I communicate in the first session my belief that the real issue is not the need for more sex but rather the need for attachment. Due to the man’s past relational attachment wounds and/or trauma, he avoids real attachment by pursuing a counterfeit attachment such as pornography, prostitutes, strippers, massage girls, and/or one night stands. (more…)
The first core belief of the Sex Addict is “I am basically a bad and unworthy person” or another way of describing the first core belief is shame. The second core belief of the Sex Addict is “No one will love me as I am.” Why wouldn’t someone love or accept him as he is? Because he is such a bad and unworthy person. The Sex Addict learned that to be accepted by others, he must hide his perceived flaws, weaknesses, defects of character, and especially his struggles with pornography or other sexual behaviors. (more…)
The Gottman Marital Research Institute has found that the majority of marriage counselors are offering relationship therapy that does not get to the heart of what creates long-term relationships. Gottman refers to these as marriage therapy myths. The research asserts that much of what has been accepted in marriage counseling “long-hallowed beliefs” about marriage and divorce needs to be thrown out. (more…)
Overtime, the Sexual Addiction Self-Obsession sets into motion the addictive cycle and the thinking of the Sex Addict becomes increasing more selfish and self-centered. Internally, his attitude closes off to the reality of his behaviors to the point in which he can no longer look at himself or the harm he is causing. He may blame those closet to him or the world outside as reasons for his actions. “It isn’t my fault!” All he can see are the inadequacies, wrongs, and failures of others. (more…)
Spiritual Sexual Addiction RecoveryFor someone struggling with sexual addiction, the sexual fantasy or sexual behavior was the original “solution” to the real underlying problem that is at the core of the addict’s life. What the sex addict found in the beginning is that the addiction “worked.” Meaning, the behaviors or fantasy numbed, medicated, and blocked the pain that came out of the real problem. Yet overtime, the addict becomes “tolerated” to the original level of sexual fantasy or behaviors and that leads to wanting or needing “more, better, and different.” (more…)
Those struggling with sexual addiction often have held past behaviors in total secrecy. Especially from their partner or spouse. The idea giving a full disclosure of their past betrayals to their partner can be an overwhelming idea. Yet my experience working with sex addicts and partners of sex addicts often strengthen their relationship much faster after the addict discloses his/her history of sexual behaviors. (more…)
How To Make An Amends For Infidelity
This includes health risks, health hazards that are being attended to by a doctor as needed, and issues that help clarify to the partner what she/he is having to deal with. What was done, the extent of the behaviors and the time-frames are included. (more…)
The childhood of sex addicts are often filled with a memories of being desperately lonely, directionless, and vulnerable. The sex addict’s family-of-origin often lacked nurturing or modeling of how to share needs in a vulnerable but safe environment. The sex addict wasn’t able to rely on, depend on, or turn to the adults in his life to meet his needs so he learned early in life that only he can meet his needs. (more…)
Often when working with men that struggle with sexual addiction, I will observe aspects of the sexual addictive process common to other addictions. The addiction begins in adolescence (sometimes even earlier) with an image, movie, interaction with another, or a fantasy. The power of the addiction hits with veracity and provides the “solution” to underlying pain, trauma, fear, depression, and loneliness. (more…)