Talking About The Cycle
The Negative Cycle is the Enemy
The Negative Cycle is the EnemyCouples often enter into relationship counseling to find solutions to their “communication problems” or to learn new ways to resolve conflict. In my first session with couples, I begin to hear from each partner what frustrates him/her the most and where they get stuck in their interactions. (more…)
Emotional Responsiveness
Partners Emotional Responsiveness
The foundation of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is helping both partners emotionally respond to each other. This emotional responsiveness can be described by the acronym: A.R.E. (Accessibility, Responsiveness, & Engagement).
(more…)Negative Couples Cycle: Find The Bad Guy
The Negative Couples Dance
In Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, it is the negative dance or cycle that causes partners to be pulled apart rather than connect. The first of these “Demon Dialogues” is called, “Find the Bad Guy.” In this negative pattern, both partners blame, accuse, and attack the other as a means to protect self.
(more…)Pursuers Desire Connection
Pursuers Want Reassurance
Pursuers often respond to relationship ruptures by attempting to maintain connection with their partners. Conflict in the relationship or feeling disappointment can trigger the Pursuer to seek reassurance and security.
(more…)Sexual Addiction Work Includes Family Histories
When a client comes in to see me with a sex addiction problem, I often take an extensive family and sexual history. I will curiously ask questions about his parent’s relationship, relationship questions about siblings, how each family member connected and who did he turn to the most for help.
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Roles In Negative Relationship Conflicts
Negative Cycle Roles
Negative Cycle RolesWhen partners are able to own their positions and steps each take in a fight, they can then find new ways for facing their distress. The goal of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is to help the couple slow down the patterns to see more clearly the role each plays in the negative dance. Understanding helps the couple to stand together against the isolating power of these negative patterns and find positive ways to work through their differences. (more…)
Relationship Histories Provide Insight
Past Relationships Affect Current
Past Relationships Affect CurrentOur family histories, friendships, and past romantic relationships all play important roles in how we interact and connect with our partner in the present. Those histories shape our actions and expectations for our current marriage. How our parents or other caregivers modeled their relationship often can explain why each partner thinks or does what they do. (more…)